Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in Heidi Petrelli | Heidi Montrose's InsaneJournal:

Sunday, December 28th, 2008
10:52 pm	For Peter (canstillbeahero) It had been quite some time since she'd had any visitors here in Nantucket. Granted that it was rather private and that even at the Manor when she'd gotten people coming to see her, they'd ultimately ended up being there for the boys or for Nathan and not necessarily for her (because most of her 'social' time was spent coordinating the boys' schedules, Nathan included) ... but still. Heidi sighed quietly and flipped through the magazine in her lap, blinking when she heard the doorbell. She stood to open the door quickly, wondering who could possibly be on the other side. Some part of her hoped (no, prayed) that it was Nathan. She might not have wanted to be with him anymore, but the boys asked on about him constantly and when she couldn't give them an answer as to why he hadn't called, she always felt horrible. (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
11:08 pm	Learning to be a Person again I'm not sure how long I've been standing outside the door, key hovering in front of the lock. It's at least long enough that my fingers have gone considerably numb from the cool fall air and I can feel the end of my nose starting to tingle. This shouldn't be as hard as it is, but with my weekend bag (all that I left with in the first place, since I hadn't been planning on being gone as long as I was) clenched tightly in my left hand I can't help but remember what I left my family to those months ago. The thought that I will have to 'catch up' on everything I've missed isn't appealing, but neither is retreating away into myself when I know that I am strong enough now to at least support my own person. Whatever Nathan has done in my absence isn't my business and I know that, especially considering how we left things. Even through all that has happened, I know that I can't just leave him forever. That would be selfish, unkind, and ... logical. She'd been a Petrelli too long to take the side of logic. When I try the key in the lock and it still opens the door, I'm the first to admit that I'm surprised. I don't know why I should have suspected Nathan would've changed the locks, because that seems petty and inconsequential considering everything that's happened, but I did. I step into the house and it's quiet -- it reminds me of the times I stayed up the whole night just looking out the bay window that has the view of the massive concrete porch and the few shallow flights of stairs that lead into the main yard. I'd lost too much sleep staring out that window and wishing those stairs hadn't become such an obstacle. That time is passed, now, but I still think about it. Every day I wiggle my toes as soon as I wake up. I know that it's stupid and juvenile, but I don't care. When I call, quietly, I know that my voice will echo down the empty halls. "Nathan...?" Perhaps he's asleep. (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 4th, 2008
11:32 pm	Prompt #57 - Redemption Time heals all wounds. I think I believed that once. Now I know that it's a lie that we tell our children because it was told to us -- whether because we still believe it (and we are fools because of it) or because we don't (and are fools in spite of that knowledge). Now I understand that if we want our wounds to heal they need to be bled out; they need to be exposed to the air in the blindingly bright daylight and examined under a magnifying glass, no matter how painful or daunting the task might be. The longer you cover things up, shove them into the closet of your mind and pretend they don't exist -- the deeper they'll scar in the long run. There are so many people in my life that I could blame for everything that has happened to me. I'm sure that some of them -- many of them -- wouldn't argue with me. I'm sure they'd accept the blame and tell me that they were so very sorry for failing me, expecting me to forgive them and move past things. The truth is that I've tried this. Maybe that's the reason I had to leave. It's so awfully hard to find yourself when all you can hear are the voices of others trying to give you advice, telling you that they understand. How was I to form an opinion of what came next when I had experienced much and comprehended so little of it? Yes, that is the reason I had to leave. Time to myself to understand what I had become, what I could become if I put my mind to it. I'd like to say that I managed this feat alone, but the truth is that I'd be lying. Professionals are trained to help, after all. I know it was selfish of me to leave the boys with Nathan and Peter, knowing that they would bring them to my parents -- but I didn't want to see my Father's face again, lined with concern and voiceless scoldings about my choice of ... family. It would have accomplished nothing. I feel now after months of self-analyzing more aware of what is to come. What is left now I will achieve myself ... and maybe I will find redemption in the process, whatever it is that can redeem me. (Comment on this)